No chance

Do you love me?

Do you understand?

Do you know what I feel?

Do you comprehend what I’ve done?

Can you love me?

Can you feel my pain?

Can you know how it feels?

Can you understand what you’re doing?

Did he do this to you?

Did you know he was doing it?

Did you lie weeping into your pillow?

Did you pray for God to grant you release?

Are you afraid?

Are you running away?

Are you scared of what you feel?

Are you trying to destroy me the way he destroyed you?

Why are you doing this?

Why do I have to suffer?

Why won’t you let me go?

Why did you say those things?

I can never hurt you.

I can’t stop loving you.

I hate myself for loving you

I hate everything around me.

My life is in turmoil

My heart is in pieces

My love is killing me slowly

My death is too slow in coming.

I can see the road before me.

I can see the mountain path

I can see the stars one last time

I can feel the cold kiss of the earth

Feeling ends…

Warmth ends…

Breath ends…

Love ends…

Oblivion wins.

Darkness falls.

The curtain closes.

I’m gone.

END

Alone and afraid

I don’t know what to do

I’ve gone too far to go back

And now the one I wanted

Has said that she doesn’t want me

My light feels like its dimming

The shadows overtake

This love dragging me into darkness

This feeling I can’t shake

I can’t stop loving her

No matter the pain

I begged for you to release me

To lead me out of this rain

I know that you can hear me

You’ve always been by my side

When I’ve stumbled and I’ve fell

You carried me along for the ride

Why do I love her so?

What is the purpose of this?

If we’re not meant to be together,

Why was she placed in my path?

She’s my best friend

But I don’t want to be alone

Even if I find another

For this sin, I could never atone

The way I feel is so obvious

And no one will want to compete

With the spectre of love in my heart

For this one that is so complete

Do I accept the fact that I’ll be alone,

And travel along my way?

Lord , I feel lost and alone right now

Please send me a sign and show me a way.

Suffering

I said I didn’t believe God was doing this to punish us

I said that I was indomitable, invincible, invulnerable

I said that I wanted to work things out with her

I said those things to hide my pain

I want to be with you

I want to give you my everything

I want to share my life with you

I want you by my side forever

I can’t walk away

I can’t stay

I can’t tell her the truth

I can’t run away

My heart is aching for your smile

My lips yearn for your sweet kiss

My mind seeks yours

My soul begs for relief

My suffering is getting stronger

My suffering is breaking me

My suffering is winning

My suffering could destroy me

How long will this continue?

How long can I hold on?

How long until I’m free?

How long until you can be with me?

Lord, show me the suffering is not in vain

Lord, show me the path out of the pain

Lord, carry me across the fields of agony

Lord, help me!

I want to scream in pain

I want to share these tears

I want to stay with you

I want my suffering to cease…

Soul shredder

You call for me

You say you love me

But you won’t be with me

You’re hurting me

You needed someone there

And I was there

I offered you a way out of the darkness

And you’re extinguishing my light

If I can’t be with you

I can’t be with anyone

I can’t stop loving you

No matter how much you torment me

Everyone else gets chance after chance after chance

I get no second chance

Everyone else who hurt you gets to hurt you again

But I just get hurt without getting a second chance to love you

I pray, I plea, I beg for God to lift my pain

To take the love I feel for you away

So I can find my release

But he won’t do it

Some say that we have to be our own miracles

I can’t not love you

Asking me not to love you is like asking me to stop breathing

I can’t do it.

So I have to live with my pain

Now and forever

Because you won’t give me the chance

Despite all you told me.

The things I loved before

Will never offer me pleasure again

Because we shared those things

And they will always remind me of you

My escape from this world has become my prison

And you’re my jailer

My heart is held prisoner

A life sentence with no possibility of parole

I can’t escape

And there is no death sentence offered

For I’ve done no wrong

To be punished so

I’ll sit in my solitary confinement

Waiting for God to lift me from this world

When my suffering is complete

When I can let go of this life

Your words are your Agiel

My love is my collar

No magic left in my heart

No power left in my soul

A word from feral

“A word from Feral”

I can see you through his eyes

I can feel everything he feels

He locks me down

So all I can do is watch and wait

His pain is part of me as well.

I don’t like the pain

I don’t like his pain

I don’t like what hurts him

Right now, you’re what hurts him

If he’d let me out, I’d take over for a little while

And tell you exactly what he’s feeling.

I’d hurt you the way you’re hurting him.

He’s the one that would never hurt you

He’s the one that will always be there for you

He’s the one that will always love you

He’s the one you’re slowly killing

If this were a fight, he’d let me out

So we could live and fight another day.

But because it’s you, he locks me down

Pushes me back into the deepest part of his soul

Won’t tell you what he’s feeling

Doesn’t want to hurt you

Wants you to be happy

Wants everything better for you

I’m his passion, his anger, his fire.

I’m the one that fueled his love for you originally

He pushed me back then, like now,

Because he believes in love.

I want his pain to go away

It’s enraging me and killing him

This pain will kill him eventually

And then we both die

I won’t let you kill him that way

I won’t roll over and die for love

I won’t let him die for you

Because you’re the one killing him

Make a decision

Either be with him and make him happy

Or break his heart once and for all so he can forget the pain

So he can forget you and move on

Don’t want to lose him?

Then just take him in your arms

Be with him the way you want to be

Quit putting obstacles in the way.

Don’t want to kill him?

Then let him the fuck go!

Grow up and tell him the truth

Quit holding him like a fucking security blanket!

He may be your “Knight in Shining Armor”

Or “Soul Hero” or whatever you want to call it

But you have to figure it out

You need to see what’s in front of you

Want to lose him forever?

Keep going the way you are

Play the fucking games with the asshat

At some point, I’ll break his control and make him see the light.

He doesn’t want that

I can feel him fighting me even now

But I’m slowly getting stronger

I’m working my way into his conscious mind

Once I make that beachhead,

He’ll say enough is enough

He’ll just walk away

His promise to always be there will be broken

He’ll never be there again

Never to hold you

Never to comfort you

Never to make you smile

I’ll keep him alive

By killing that bright spark of love he holds for you

It’s powerful, but it’s not enough

To keep me from keeping him alive.

Relieve his pain and I’ll slide back into my shadows

There to await his beck and call

To fight and win as he needs me

Otherwise, I’ll do what I have to.

First entry from '06: Emotional Rollercoaster

Emotional Rollercoaster

When I see her, a light fills my soul

She’s the spring in the summer of my world.

I can see the emotion in her eyes

When she looks at me, my spirit starts to rise.

I know how I feel, but I can’t tell her so.

I’m beholden to another, my body and my soul.

She could so easily be my everything

But I can’t betray my first found love because I love her so.

I know that love is a precious thing,

Capable of being divided to infinity.

Is it a betrayal because I can feel the same love for another?

A younger woman in addition to my child’s mother?

I know it can’t be, so I try to hold it all inside.

But when I hear about her pains, it makes me want to die.

He doesn’t deserve her that I know is true.

I want to hold her close and whisper, “I love you”.

I see her and my heart is filled equally

With joy and with despair

To try to hold her to me

To both would be unfair.

So when she said that she was leaving to go away,

I died a little inside

But hoped she would be okay

I told her “Good luck” when what I wanted to say was “Please stay”

So she left, and I tried to let her go

But I knew deep inside

She’s bonded to my soul

It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Six long months she’s been gone

And I’d thought the feeling would go away

I made myself forget what I felt

I’m a little sadder, my heart’s a little darker, my nerves a little frayed.

Now she’s come back, and my heart swells inside

She’s unhappy with him; she’s told me so much

I want to displace him, away from her side

I want to tell her the truth, but I can’t break the trust.

I suffer in silence, I pray for guidance

It hurts to have her so near and so far

My feelings are getting harder to hide

It’s a fucking emotional rollercoaster ride.

Lord, give me strength, help me find the path

Help me do the right thing, help me protect them from harm

Show me the mercy, spare me the wrath

My heart’s split in two, it’s broken in half.

She feels it too, she feels my pain

Her longing and mine are one and the same.

We want to be together, but we know it can’t be.

Help us find a way to set our hearts free.

Let me be strong, Let me be true

Grant me the wisdom, I beg of you.

What can I do to release this pain?

Like the clouds releasing a cleansing rain?

And now, I have an answer in my tortured soul.

Why didn’t I see it so long ago?

It’s so simple and clear, and blessedly true,

The path to release starts by saying,

“I love you.”

We can’t be together, but we don’t have to part.

By telling the truth, I’m true to my heart

We’ll stay friends; we’ll have fun, with no uncertain terms

Though I know the longing and I know how it burns.

I’ll be there for you, no matter where or when

I’ll love you to the very end

Of time itself, that much is clear

Call for me and I’ll always hear.

My soul is ancient, my story is told

And now I wait to watch it unfold

In this time, this place, we cannot be

But somewhere in space and time, we will be free.

Digitarii 2006